I’ll admit it- I have always been a bit of a control freak! I like to know what is happening; I like to be highly organised and I definitely don't like surprises! I'm the sort of person who has a 5 year plan! I thought I had everything figured out! Of course, if you'd asked me, I would always have said that God was in control of my life but I think what I really meant was, he was in control of the areas that I wanted him to be in control of. Bearing this in mind, you can imagine that one of the worst things about coming out of hospital with a lung condition was the complete lack of control that I now had over so many things.

You would be surprised over the amount of things that I discovered that I had no control over. When I walked, particularly up any kind of slope, I would lose control of my breathing, giving me a strong desire to panic. I was completely tied to oxygen and I couldn't lift my own oxygen tank, so I was dependent entirely on my family to take me places and the oxygen dictated how long I could stay anywhere. In the house, I had no control over the cleanliness or tidiness (I love things immaculate!) because I couldn't lift anything and would be too out of breath to do housework. Going near the gas hob is a complete no-go area on oxygen! Sometimes I would have no energy to dress, dry my hair or even chop up my own food. Basically I went from being totally independent, with a successful career that I love and a busy social calendar to just a place of sitting still, waiting for people to help me when I needed it.

At first I just accepted it. I was exhausted and in terrible pain from surgery so I just enjoyed lying outside in the September sun with an ice drink. However, as time went on, I began to feel more and more out of control. The trouble was, I had a lot of time to think…would I ever have enough strength to do anything? Would I ever be able to go back to work? Would I ever have a family? I was desperate to set deadlines for my recovery. I wanted to make a plan and be in control of my health and future.

I can never believe that God either causes or allows sickness in order to teach us something - no kind of loving Father would do that - but I do believe that he works all things for good. The beauty of being stopped in your tracks, of going from a whirlwind life to resting on a sofa, is that you have all the time in the world. At first, this was a frustration to me! Sitting still is really not my thing! Then I began to realise that rather than worrying about my future, I could just lift my eyes to Jesus. I love that song which says, ‘Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace’ (Helen Lemmel).

As I began to use more of my time to bask in his presence, I heard him whisper to me over and over again, ‘Rachel, be still and know that I am God.’ He wanted me to just rest in knowing that he was in control. Sometimes we sing songs and don’t necessarily mean what we are singing. I love the words of the song by Hillsong which say, ‘Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.’ I'm not sure I always meant that when I sung it before but these words now became really real to me. I needed to trust that ‘He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future’ (Jeremiah 29:11)

It was not an immediate revelation but is an ongoing journey of realising that I don’t need to be in control of everything. I just need to wake up each morning and give my day to Jesus and walk each moment with him. Being in control all the time can be a real burden. It is such a relief to know that I don’t need to be; I can just give it all to him. He has control of my future and I am in safe hands.